This week was great! Outside of like 7 minutes on day 3… but we aren’t there yet. On day 1 I could tell a difference. I started day 1 on 10mg at work. The first thing I said to my coworker was “I’m tweaking so hard right now. I’m on drugs, but I’m gonna do my best.” I got a pretty solid laugh out of that. They day went well though. Only one person, outside of the one I told, could tell I was on drugs and he has autism. Which is not a bad thing, I’m just convinced that that’s the next step in human evolution which will be saved for a whole other blog post. By day 2 I had adjusted well, I was productive, less anxious, and a weird one I checked my phone less (looking for fewer distractions I guess). On to day 3. I had the 10, I was feeling good, being productive, when 2 hours into my shift my coworker offered to pick up coffee if I wanted any. I like coffee, it tastes nice, it usually brings in my focus, sometimes I’d drink it to sleep. Remember why I’m on the stimulant Adderall? Anyway, he gets my coffee, I drink it, and I head into the back room to deep clean it. So I’m on 10mg of a strong stimulant and a solid cup of another stimulant. It’s a good thing I’ve been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life. I was cleaning and I turned to go grab something from the breakroom when I got hit by a damn freight train. I just sat in the backroom and stared into the void of terror for about 7 minutes, repeatedly telling myself to look for the cause and that if I couldn’t find it then there was nothing to worry about. That’s the obnoxious thing about chronic anxiety is that sometimes there’s no cause and sometimes the cause is just so so stupid and you basically just have to tell yourself to stop because you’re being dumb and we don’t appreciate dummies in this temple. Once I talked myself out of my moment of panic, the rest of the day went totally fine. The rest of the week was all good. those were some of my most productive school days to date. My last day taking 10 consistently was the day I went to the doctor to check my blood pressure (which was normal! yay!). Here’s where I fucked up: I got too nervous. More background (a.k.a. let me overshare on the internet even more): I was lucky enough to inherit an addictive personality. Having anxiety and being self aware of an addictive personality is usually good. Keeps your stupid in check. This time however, it meant that I wasn’t able to get what I needed from my doctor. I saw someone that wasn’t my usual and in an attempt to keep myself in check with the Adderall usage, I recommended that even though 5mg doesn’t do much for me, that’s the dose I should stick with and only take 2 now and then when I need it. I knew as soon as I left that I should have just asked for the 10s and I could split them if necessary. Now I know for my appointment with my usual doc.
Edit: I love that I forgot to publish this until I went to renew my prescription (This time for 10s!)